our lady of foreseeable risk

everything is new around here.

new life. new color. new adventures.

found confidence. renewed joy.

it starts off with feelings

of being overwhelmed,

fear, inadequacy, so little sleep.

then, bit by bit,

you do the work

and find that love sustains you.

you stop sweating the little things,

you lean in

to the built in moments of just being...

you grow into your true self,

without even noticing,

now that your focus is outside yourself.

welcome to motherhood.

"once we believe in ourselves 

we can risk curiosity,

wonder, spontaneous delight,

or any experience

that reveals the human spirit."

- e. e. cummings

"our lady of foreseeable risk"  30"x40" mixed media on canvas

new painting, findings, studio notes

the days are flying by this gray season,

yet not without leaving a mark.

it has been a week of:

- painting, drawing, gluing, stitching, burning

8 paintings at once

- wearing big cozy sweaters

- finishing a novel in 24 hours

- adding whiskey to my tea

- hunting for treasure at the resale shop

(is there anything more wonderful than

digging up unique luxuries for under $10?)

- reflecting, journaling, dreaming & scheming

- making visual studio notes mapping out work in progress

(directly on the canvas,

using materials and tools rather than words)

- simplifying my closet

leaving only things i love wearing and wear to death

- ruthlessly slashing at the shoulds in my schedule

leaving only essential and life giving items

a season of no compromises. no half measures.

no kind of sort ofs.

only full-hearted work

and full-hearted rest.

savoring the luxury of simplicity.

cashmere sweater, rabbit fur scarf, 2 pairs antique leather gloves, vintage dress patterns - lovely lovely resale shop finds

like tissue paper but 1000 times better

visual notes for works in progress

 
 i leave you with a sparkle of rumi via

ode 314:

those who don't feel this love
pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn
like a cup of spring water
or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change,
let them sleep.

this love is beyond the study of theology,

that old trickery and hypocrisy.

if you want to improve your mind that way,

sleep on.

i've given up on my brain.

i've torn the cloth to shreds

and thrown it away.

if you're not completely naked,

wrap your beautiful robe of words

around you,

and sleep.

the ethereal quality of tea filters atop of black

in which i publicly break down (again) and find hope

'she who guards the night' 48'x36' mixed media on canvas

 well, friends, my appologies

for the inconsistencies in posting.

insert 1001 colorful excuses.

the truth is i fear being irrelevant,

and this overwhelming fear bullies me into inaction.

the irony wink winks.

like you, i desperately need to create

beauty & meaning. to add value. to matter.

to not waste my time & yours.

(where time=life)

unlike you(wink wink), i fail daily.

oh, i seek help. i'm so full of help

my head buzzes with a cacophony of wisdom, well

meaning advice & conflicting self help nuggets

first thing in the morning

every. single. day.

supposedly, 96% of our daily thoughts

are a repeat of yesterday's.

they mostly add up to 1 idea:

'you are not (good) enough'.

i find this to be true. of me, again, unlike you.

 (i process things best in conversation.

just now realizing where this is going)

but, SO WHAT!

the fierce battle of thought & quest for truth

between you're not enough - yes, you are -

no, you're not has been driving me nuts for years.

what's the point, i ask. why does it even matter?

whose standard is it? 

why do we even need to compare?

gifts+weaknesses+time=me

i love. i am loved. i've got time.(for now)

i do what i can.

(in which what i can<what i think i can)

SO WHAT!

more or less we are all comprised of the same

elements.

the sun shines on the good & the bad.

perhaps we should all just savor

the honey sweetness of the light.

a necessary reminder

lest this gets overbearingly existential,

here are a few snapshots of recent anca times

to be savored and celebrated:

after months of sparse-to-no sales

(no sales at the solo show either),

sales! 4 small pieces & 4 large pieces

-including the commissions pictured-

within a couple of weeks.

sleeping under the stars,

that campfire smell you can't get out of your hair.

cake & steak for breakfast. lots of rain
bringing life on its green wings.

blackberry limeade spiked with an entire bottle of tequila.
oops!

sand dunes & sand between the toes & sand everywhere.

good talks with better friends.

surprise flowers. tomatoes from the garden.

picnics & cuddling to live symphony & chicago skyline.

sun & sun & oh so much water that like a child

you refuse to come out of.

the bawling embrace of mom, as i share

how intensely loved i feel.

sushi & korean pancakes & steamed mussels

with crusty bread

& the morning light on the patio.

lovely friends giving birth to new lovely friends.

stealing kisses and drowning them in red wine.

a generous gift of art supplies.

painting for days. finding just the right books

at the corner library.

being invited to contribute to just the right book.

i'd be a fool in the face of all this abundance

to bemoan my undeserving nature.

well, i am a fool.

but occasionally i remember:

SO WHAT!

'don't look at me, ok?' 36'x48' mixed media on canvas

and now back to egg shells. t-1month till

delivery of the art prize piece.

the next 30 days promise to be

meditative & nerve-wrecking.

exploratory & back-breaking.

but mostly filled to the brim with life

waiting to be savored.

(if we are ever so lucky as to be alive)

take a juicy bite! 

shockingly pretty stacks.  love it when work sneaks up on me.