embracing the new season. easing into new work.

after spending every waking moment

for months

working on a single piece,

a welcomed break.

i stepped out and it was fall,

crisp air, turning leaves, and all.

it is quite daunting getting back into

regular work

after having your work cut out for you

for so very long.

so i embraced the new season instead.

took a little road trip to grand rapids

to see all the good, the bad, and the ugly

at the art prize opening.

i spiked my tea with whiskey,

lemon & honey too.

got cozy with my wool blanket,

journaling/list making/dreaming/scheeming.

listened to an entire book series

(book of the new sun by gene wolfe)

on audiobook.

baked

(german pacakes, muffins, breads, biscuits oh my).

caught up with friends.

had more tea.

the procrastinating can go on no longer,

yet the resistance

to staring a new piece

paralyzes.

the only thing to do is ease into the work,

taking small practical steps.

 

 going on a treasure hunt

(i found this wonderful water damaged dictionary -

it smells like a hundred years)

creating textured backgrounds.

painting monochromatic bases.

burning paper edges

and tea filters

with sticks of incense.

painting vintage frames.

drawing figures i connect with.

and slowly, i pick up momentum

and inspiration follows.

how about you?

do you run into this resistance to new work?

how do you push through?

in which i publicly break down (again) and find hope

'she who guards the night' 48'x36' mixed media on canvas

 well, friends, my appologies

for the inconsistencies in posting.

insert 1001 colorful excuses.

the truth is i fear being irrelevant,

and this overwhelming fear bullies me into inaction.

the irony wink winks.

like you, i desperately need to create

beauty & meaning. to add value. to matter.

to not waste my time & yours.

(where time=life)

unlike you(wink wink), i fail daily.

oh, i seek help. i'm so full of help

my head buzzes with a cacophony of wisdom, well

meaning advice & conflicting self help nuggets

first thing in the morning

every. single. day.

supposedly, 96% of our daily thoughts

are a repeat of yesterday's.

they mostly add up to 1 idea:

'you are not (good) enough'.

i find this to be true. of me, again, unlike you.

 (i process things best in conversation.

just now realizing where this is going)

but, SO WHAT!

the fierce battle of thought & quest for truth

between you're not enough - yes, you are -

no, you're not has been driving me nuts for years.

what's the point, i ask. why does it even matter?

whose standard is it? 

why do we even need to compare?

gifts+weaknesses+time=me

i love. i am loved. i've got time.(for now)

i do what i can.

(in which what i can<what i think i can)

SO WHAT!

more or less we are all comprised of the same

elements.

the sun shines on the good & the bad.

perhaps we should all just savor

the honey sweetness of the light.

a necessary reminder

lest this gets overbearingly existential,

here are a few snapshots of recent anca times

to be savored and celebrated:

after months of sparse-to-no sales

(no sales at the solo show either),

sales! 4 small pieces & 4 large pieces

-including the commissions pictured-

within a couple of weeks.

sleeping under the stars,

that campfire smell you can't get out of your hair.

cake & steak for breakfast. lots of rain
bringing life on its green wings.

blackberry limeade spiked with an entire bottle of tequila.
oops!

sand dunes & sand between the toes & sand everywhere.

good talks with better friends.

surprise flowers. tomatoes from the garden.

picnics & cuddling to live symphony & chicago skyline.

sun & sun & oh so much water that like a child

you refuse to come out of.

the bawling embrace of mom, as i share

how intensely loved i feel.

sushi & korean pancakes & steamed mussels

with crusty bread

& the morning light on the patio.

lovely friends giving birth to new lovely friends.

stealing kisses and drowning them in red wine.

a generous gift of art supplies.

painting for days. finding just the right books

at the corner library.

being invited to contribute to just the right book.

i'd be a fool in the face of all this abundance

to bemoan my undeserving nature.

well, i am a fool.

but occasionally i remember:

SO WHAT!

'don't look at me, ok?' 36'x48' mixed media on canvas

and now back to egg shells. t-1month till

delivery of the art prize piece.

the next 30 days promise to be

meditative & nerve-wrecking.

exploratory & back-breaking.

but mostly filled to the brim with life

waiting to be savored.

(if we are ever so lucky as to be alive)

take a juicy bite! 

shockingly pretty stacks.  love it when work sneaks up on me.

our dream was our destiny

our lady of no fears

"we plan our lives according to a dream

that came to us in our childhood,

and we find that life alters our plans.

and yet, at the end, from a rare height,

 we also see that our dream was our fate.

 it's just that providence had other ideas

 as to how we would get there.

destiny plans a different route,

or turns the dream around, as if

 it were a riddle, and fulfills 

the dream in ways 

we couldn't have expected." 

-ben okri

 

in the shadows

it is fitting that this week i would be musing

on how i got here.

the week of my first solo gallery show

(opening at luxe 218 in indianapolis -

including these new pieces)

the week i turn 30.

blessings abound.

i get to do what i love.

i get to do what i've dreamed of as a child.

what i feel in my bones i am meant to be doing.

and i have the support of those that matter the most.

it hasn't always been like this.

from the child never parted

with her notebook and pen,

processing all the beauty and pain

ever and always on paper,

 who would tell her teachers (never her parents)

she wanted to be a writer who paints.

to doing the thing that is required

and expected

in preparing for real life.

to the move across continents,

architecture school,

years of working alone in a basement

on projects that were never to be built.

to unemployment, dabbling in this or that,

confusion.

a dream reignited. encouragement.

 and here i am,

sweat, blood, tears, and lots of glue,

living my destiny dream.

grateful.

what did you dream of as a child?

are you finding your way to that dream?

where does destiny have you today?

in a name

clean studio. dirty hands.

 clean studio+

dirty hands

_______________

new work

simple math

i can understand.

the way to clear my head

and gear up for work

is to first clear my space.

works every time.

 

counted amongst warriors

 a successful week with almost a new piece

worked out every day.

some i loved,

some that drove me crazy.

and an epic one in the works,

build straight onto the vintage framed canvas

with lots of little tasty found bits.

even the weather conspires to help.

dark & stormy

with looming thunder

and the music of the rain

splashing against my windows.

'there must be those amongst whom

we can sit down and weep

and still be counted as warriors.'

-adrienne rich

a lovely weekend to you,

my warrior friends!