Thursday, April 5, 2012

confession




 everybody seems
to be holding it together
pretty well.
not me. no, not me.
i crumble
a little bit daily
under the dream.
and running out of glues
to try
to piece it all together.
i choose two things.
only two. good things:
artist. lover.
impossible to be.
a life's work.
it is a journey,
certainly,
and failure, my faithful companion.
no, i've got no beef
 with old buddy failure,
what really does me in is
pride.
jabbing and stabbing
with icy shards and damn it
it knows
exactly the most excruciating hidden place
to strike
because
evidently
i am the only one
who can't keep it together
or at least the only one foolish enough
to strip myself 
of the comforting armor
and bare all
for the world to see.

so i confess:
i want. i expect. i demand.
more. more. more.
i laugh in the face of the impossible.
i push away those i love.
i believe in a god i do not know.
i wrestle surrender to the ground.
i abuse language.
i treat myself with contempt.
i stubbornly ... everything.
i allow time to waste me.
i fake art.
i can not do it alone.
for lent, i gave up hope.
(or perhaps it gave me up,
for the first time in history)
i am out of control.

for my sins of comission
for my crimes of omission
i feel i deserve to disappear.
but that, of course,
would be too kind a punishment.
the verdict is in:
life in prison
of a person i do not want to be.

...



25 comments:

  1. --- I'm impressed and touched by your words. ---

    "Everything has a crack that's how the light gets in", (Leonard Cohen)

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    1. a powerful truth i am experiencing.

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  2. beautiful pictures and poetry Anca!
    happy easter:-)

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    1. perhaps not happy, but life-giving. i hope you had both!

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  3. ...wow...
    i have been to that place ~
    many times!

    on my knees ~ asking why?
    how?
    why not me?
    self doubt settles in here, and destroys a creative heart, rendering it broken and useless ~

    ~ unless ~

    that heart keeps going, knowing her hands are the offering and offer all that she has in heart...even if it seems like that broken heart has nothing left to give...
    for this is the work of "givers"
    an unrelentess calling to live with an open hand,
    giving all that they have. she can't help it, it just pours out ~
    try as one may, a "taker" she could never be, it goes against the very grain of her fiber...
    i have come to find, that in that lonely ~ quiet hour,
    that moment when i think i couldn't possible go on, and i seek up ~ there in the darkness is the bittersweet lining of grace.

    yes, i choose grace...and continue to offer all that i am with an open hand and believe that your creative soul does too...

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    Replies
    1. yes! we choose grace. and offering up what we call life in exchange for life.

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  4. Such a beautiful honesty, written in words that linger in the air....we all help hold each other up....know you are loved and valued from all points around the globe! Thank you for sharing yourself, Anca.

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    1. we all help hold each other up and the burden is much lighter. grateful for this.

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  5. I too
    crumble under the dream
    daily
    at about 3 o'clock
    and
    daily
    I gather the light
    sometimes
    warm bundles
    sometimes
    sharp and bitter shards
    that cut to the quick
    I will say
    however
    that shadowlady
    has always been my Muse
    I tend
    to keep quiet
    about the fear...

    xox - eb.

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    1. the light is invited,
      welcomed.
      but it is indeed
      this play
      between light
      and darkness
      that affords
      the optimum space
      for creation.

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  6. oh, my love... absorb the love through the ether and know, deeply know, you are loved... into every fibre absorb the warmth and let it infuse, and heal... no, you are not alone... xx

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    1. the love humbles.
      the humbling hurts.
      and this is how we know
      healing is in progress.

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  7. "Uncertainty is the essential, inevitable and all-pervasive companion to your desire to make art. And tolerance for uncertainty is the prerequisite to succeeding." ART & FEAR, by David Bayles & Ted Orland. Actually I could have quoted just about all of the book, it is that good and highly recommended. Your words are very powerful and so are eb.'s words.

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  8. i shall build up my tolerance for uncertaintly.
    i shall continue to make.
    i shall read this book.

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  9. Wow, Anca! I feel an almighty upsurge of words all clambering to be said in response to your heartfelt confession, but they are all a jumble and I seem to be a little overwhelmed by the feelings your post has elicited in me. So let me just say.... I'm so grateful you were brave enough to reveal your pain because your confession makes me feel less alone. Sending love xox

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    1. so grateful to you for the love and the sisterhood. it is deeply felt and extremely encouraging.

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  10. I'm laughing - not at your pain, but at how true this is for ...you, me, them and those folks over there too.

    Its a dance. of perfect imperfection....the trick, is to sometimes notice the beauty in the dance. and I know you do, as do I.

    xxoo

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    Replies
    1. the beauty in the dance is grace
      and nourishing all-throughout.
      the reverend laughter of recognition is
      quite the appropriate response.
      i know i am in good company.

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  11. This is a place that artists inhabit. Your honesty is humbling to me, who hasn't the courage to confess what you did, though I feel it every day. We're with you.

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